[also from my diary...continuing]

And so i ponder, life and everything, when i'll see Tristan next, when Jodie will wake up (its 11.45am), how school will be when it starts in a day, when will this fly go away?!
All the things i wish for before were pretty shallow. I don't know whether i like that or not. Maybe i'm turning 'normal'. My head is sorted out. I'm like all the people at school, only caring about me me me. My relationships. My clothes music passtimes. What ~I~ am like. What ~I~ am doing.
BUT...i don't want to be like that. i'm NOT like that. I can't be like that. Maybe is just that i've finally 'let go'. I've deep down subconciously realised that i'm not responsible for all the problams in the world, and that in reality i can't really do much as all to help. Even if i really wanted to. Its not my problem that hundreds of people die a day from starvation, or that on the other side of the world a 14 year old girl is giving birth because she was raped, or because no one told her about condoms or other contraception. Or for the violence. The hate. War.
None of that is my problem. My problem was that i thought too much, cared too much. It was my way of getting rid of my own problems, by taking on the worlds. And fuck, i'm okay with that now!
Now, i chose to care about all those things, but not i have opinions, i'm not emotionally involved as well.
And so, in 2002, almost a year and a half since i became a youth envoy and met all my wonderful friends, i realise yes, i've grown up alot, i'm a totally different person. i can manage my fears and problems. and i have less of them too. the way i wrote the first words in this diary on 4th November 2000, was...a... i can't think of how to say it. well... basically, i've grown up. alot. i thought i was alot more mature than everyone else my age, and maybe i was. but looking back i see myself as a scared little girl trying to discover where i fit in the world. i'm still trying to find my place, i don't even know if i have a better idea of it. but as least i know now thats what i'm doing.
Finding my way.
Travelling life.
Its what life is to me.... travelling every aspect that you can. Grass trees sky water birds, its all there... and so is happiness, fear, joy, sadness, hate, ecstacy, love, beauty, the list goes on.... but life, is to travel it. :)

[from my diary this morning. i would like to share it :).]

I think that if i write it here it limits myself to not writing too much shit but also gives me a goal. I think thats what everyone needs to start out. A goal to reach and a limit to stop you form going too far. Og course, once you reach the goal you reasess the situation and make a new goal. The limit is there for safety reasons.

I wish alot of things. I wish i didnt have to start school in a day. I wish i could write cool like Jodie. I wish i had a defining feature for people to remember me by. I wish Toowoomba had better public transport so i could go and see Tristan without the fear of having my mother errupt when i ask her to take me there PLEASE? I wish i could see Daniel [my bestest friend]. I need a Daniel hug. I wonder what it would be like if i got all the people i love together in one space.
______________________________
Daniel = Tallangatta, Victoria
Tristan = Toowoomba, Queesland
Adam = Brisbane, Queensland
Jodie = SomewhereOnTheCoast, Queensland
Jess = Walpeup, Victoria
Jace = Macclesfield, South Australia
Jarra = Sydney, New South Wales
Scott = Toowoomba, Queensland
_____________________________________

Jess would fall for Scott, attracted by his boyish looks and the rebel within.
Dan would be all over Jodie, physically (and mentally) unable to NOT 'be' with someone at and single moment.
Jodie wouldn't be able to resist, because Dan has the 'thing' about him.
Oh, and Scott, he'd be stoned... just staring off, vaguely aware the some lovely girl is chatting to him.
Adam and Jace would have found a couch somewhere and would be conversing about music songs bands and who's on their MP3 list and what songs they can play on guitar.
Jarra would be in the corner, worrying himself to death that if he talks to anyone he might become too attached but if he doesnt talk to anyone then he'll miss an opportunity (what to do?! :O) ...hehe...
Tristan would have been part of Adam and Jace's conversation, but gotten sick of all the computer talk and drifted off to have a cigarette.
Here I would find him, after psyching up Jess to talk to Scott, telling Scott not to be scared, introduced Dan and Jodie and wondered (yet again) where Dan had dissapeared (with her), sat and listened to Adam and Jace and Tristan, listened to Jarra and attempted to sort out his 'issues', and wondered where Tristan was and went to find him, wondering what he was doing.
I know all these people well. They are all a part of me. I want to see them all soon. I love them all.
Of course, I'd end up in a room somewhere with Tristan, letting all the others to themselves.

[part 2 coming soon!]

"[preface] We've all experienced the frustration of getting lost in the vastness of the Web. Your search beings with something as simple as, say, last night's basketball score only, yet you soon find yourself stuck in a morass of Shaker furniture sites and links to Civil War chat rooms, courtesy of a broad interprestation of your interesting in the Yankees. Fortunately there's Yahoo!, the most trusted portal on the Web. Its simple yet logical approach is the model for all others."

Does it scare you, the fact that the internet [in my informed and well travelled personal opinion] is the best, fastest and easiest way to get information on something...ANYTHING... and there are books on how to use it, that list websites down and tell you how to enter words into a search engine? I spose i AM in a library, and books tend to be the main thing here... but i do think that a person who needs to read an A4 sized 504 page reference book (pubished by Yahoo!) to learn how to simple type a few words into a box in order to find what they want, is lacking in commonsense and probably should not be using a computer anyway.
OKay, so maybe i'm just being cynical because i'm in Maryborough (QLD,Australia) and i hate this place. I hate it for how small it is, i hate it for its yokel peole, i hate it for its slow internet, i hate it for its lack of things for 16 year old girls visiting their grandparents to do, i hate it for the fact the 'ONE NATION' party has got into government here every years since Pauline Hanson created it..... the list goes on, crap drivers in Volvo's... the 'exciting' Heritage markets... etc etc... and the thing is... i'm sitting in the Maryborough public library, typing my heart away, bagging out this town. I mean, i thought TOOWOOMBA was bad.
When i was little i could go to the beach (Hervey Bay) or play with my cousins or whatnot.... DUST is interesting when you are little.
--ARGH-- i've totally lost my point of focus. Did i have a point of focus in the first place??... DO I EVER?>?? hnn... okays. so who hates YAHOO!??

You. The reader of these complicated mixed up scrawlings. What was it like when you were 16? (maybe you are 16...then what is it like?!!!!) Was it hard? What was/is it like?
Was it full of bullshit rules designed to govern teenagers into a hole? Full of unwritten laws, "You MUST visit your grandparents with me, you mustnt talk back, you must obey my rules, ETC ETC." <- just because i'm your parent/adult/senior??? Bull shit blackmail and guilt trips? Hypocritical reasonings, bent to suit whoever they think they are?


grg.

(((realise & love it)))

If everyone saw it how i see
And realised the things that I have
The world would be a better place.
I'm not saying I'm better than the rest,
but wait, yes i am!!
I'm not selfish or unkind, single minded or unrealistic.
I care. I think. I realise.
Everyone should be like me, and then I wouldn't feel alone,
In my world of knowing.
But I probably wouldn't like that, because I am me.
That makes me me - my knowing!
No, I'm not saying i'm better, or am i?
People just don't see things for what (or who) they are.
Or take life for granted. or value it. love it. nurture it. feed it and warm it and hug it and sing to it and read it stories and take it camping and care for it and love it to pieces and love it and LOVE it AND LOVE IT AND LOVE IT!!!!
If everyone saw it how i see, i'd still be me,
but much happier,
In a world of loving who and what we are, and
REALISING
it will all be gone too soon.

-BMR

as He rocks [back and forth] precariously on his [not so reliable] chair, cigarette [reassuringly] placed between his fingers, He wonders.... "What have i done?"

does anyone else out there have trouble with their meat?
i KNOW i don't eat lamb, strictly...but i can never tell the difference (between beef and lamb.) this does cause a problem... because i think lamb tastes nice, its more of a half vegetarian moral issue thing... possibly something to do with an episode of the Simpsons.

ANYWAY///pointless rambling. but thats all i am. ONE BIG PoInTlEsS RaMbLiNg. hnn...

~*~WARNING~*~
*I can't spell once the sun goes down*

~*~N.B.~*~
*I promise I will be more productive in the future*

Jarra: he came, he danced, he left.

Many restless nights and a plate of nachos with too much salsa later (the possibility of being able to actually have too much salsa is debatable) i decide to actually use TIG for what i can... and not just occasionally have a look at the site and think 'ooooh this is pretty.' this is PROBABLY because the coming and going of the one known as Jarra has given me a mild kick in the butt to involve myself in a more productive way. IE- i thought i was... and the HE comes along as spoils it all... although its not really spoiling if its doing something for the better. =oS

...i can't be creative! aaaack! ....i do appologise.